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During meditation this morning of the full moon I deeply reflected on my current life circumstances and took responsibility for feeling overwhelmed once again.

There is no accident that I am living in multicultural household.

My in-laws are from Pakistan and live in the moment. Plans change with the wind and nothing can ever be planned .

I guess I needed this life lesson to fully see how my own franco-german conditioned ways always gravitate towards efficiency, organizing life so I can do what is meaningful for myself and my purpose of being alive, identified as healing the Patriarchal conditioned structures in my own life and helping other women do the same, contributing to creating a powerful movement for transformation on the planet.

Since I am skilled in organizing life I seem to automatically fill the gap of what is left undone or in my view disorganized and do it for my own sake and need of structure in my living environment.

When I realized this morning that in the last two weeks since returning from a writing retreat in York, PA with Christine Kloser and a group of writers all engaged in the My Time to Write program, I had not been able to align even one page, I had a moment of reckoning: something has to change and it will not be the others, it will have to be me.

Today is also a lunar eclipse, an opportune time to make changes. As Marina Ormes from www.astrologyheals.com writes:

This Aquarius Lunar Eclipse reminds you that the creative endeavors you pursue at this time are part of a bigger picture of change that involves dismantling the outmoded structures of the past in order to clear the way for smarter ideological, practical, and technical ways.

What am I dismantling? Yet again another layer of the Patriarchal conditioning where societies and life in general have heavily relied on women to do the work, often without monetary retribution.

Let’s acknowledge the multitude of women doing volunteer work in organizations, around the house, in the fields, cultivating crops in Third World countries and more….

So, yet again, always at a deeper layer, my own clearing of those structures in my own psyche will likely involve creating a new level of physical boundaries to get what I want to get accomplished done.

It seems I have raised my boundaries as high as possible in the current living environment, even have created occasional territorial boundaries, when I take refuge in my apartment in France to be by myself. So will have to step out of the house and go the library to get my writing done at least two days per week, if I want to respect my word and my self worth.

My commitment to my purpose and the deeper transformation of societal structures contributing to creating a new world is reinforced by this latest full moon revelation!

I am curious if you care to share what your commitment to yourself is and if the full moon energies helped you deepen your connection to yourself?

It seems that part of my purpose in this lifetime is to experience directly the effects patriarchal conditioning still  have in my life and untangle myself systematically by processing the emotional toxicity lodged in the body.

I usually notice a polarity in need of attention within myself when a fear of some kind appears and I procrastinate with an intention, like writing this blog post that I wanted to get done earlier in the week, or the book I am writing, a project started a number of years ago and still not completed.

Since my life is full I have many excuses to distract myself and I have used them all. The latest is the re-integration of Canada last year after my husband retired. Getting used to having him around most of the time  gave me an easy excuse.

This year however I managed to reclaim private space for myself by ruthlessly stepping up my boundaries. This is when I really started to notice all the deep rooted limiting beliefs that I still harbour, like “who do you think you are?” or “not yet good enough” and the fear of judgment they trigger.

My head knows they are all part of the universal human paradigm coined by Tracy Goss in her book but my body still registers the impact of age old Patriarchal conditioning of women, programmed to be second class citizens.

In the last few months I have moved forward with my book writing project in earnest and with each step forward I uncovered a new layer of “unworthiness”, each time choosing to face it by feeling into it.

These deep conditioned structures mostly inherited from past generations, in some cases reinforced due to certain traumatic events in early childhood can only be dismantled by feeling them deeply in the body where they are lodged in cellular memory.

I have spent years in the head, analyzing, understanding, researching the origin of Patriarchal conditioning, staying in the “arrogance” polarity, the “know it all” without freeing myself of the fear of judgment. Each time I learned something new about the topic only reinforcing how little I still only know, which triggered the need to know it all, propelled by perfectionism, still not “good enough”… the endless churning of the pattern. This vicious cycle has an eternal life unless you learn to dismantle it in the body.

Facing the vibration of the feeling in the body dismantles it and with each facing of it, I move a step closer to freedom.

I had never gone to a march before really!

The closest I had come to participate in a mass movement was really just contemplating the consequences on the streets left by the riots with the police, without fully understanding why the students were protesting almost 50 years ago, in May 1968 when I was in Paris for one year.

When I read about the Women’s marches on Facebook I was in California, spending a few days vacationing in Palm Springs after a workshop in San Diego and I resolved then and there to join the march downtown Toronto, the day after our return from having been away for 8 days.

However inconvenient, I had to go and participate. It was an overwhelming feeling that I must join now with other women and this time I didn’t have the excuse that I was in Saudi Arabia where protesting for anything would surely get you arrested and jailed, like before the Iraq invasion by the Bush administration, when marches had been organized in most capitals of the world to protest.

When I joined the crowd of women in Queen’s Park, downtown Toronto and read the banners some of them carried I was deeply touched and felt a coming together beyond all diversities, a new level of acceptance of our differences, women from all races, walks of life, social status and sexual orientation, all were represented it seemed to me. And there were many men there too from all ages.

I have captured a video on my camera and uploaded it to YouTube there:

https://youtu.be/-nCkd1jBlUI

Perhaps to conclude, if I am fully true to myself, I joined the march to plant a stake in the ground for myself and my intentions for this year: despite all the circumstances and perhaps because of them, I will get the book that has been simmering inside for more than 10 years now written before the end of summer.

I have a long career of being an over-functioning person, often other focused, where I abandon myself and put my objectives second to family issues.

Joining the march was a statement to myself that this old pattern, deeply programmed into Women’s DNA must change now and it must change within myself first.

This is what I stand for now and this is why I felt compelled to join the Women’s March on January 21st, 2017.

It’s been a month now that I have started an experiment with myself, actually since the last full moon on the Summer Solstice. The experiment consists in allowing what wants to emerge from within to drive the game I am playing and this for the next two months (July and August), while I am by myself in France, as in a retreat center, living a bit like a hermit and observing the inner states of consciousness in real time.

I made this choice after experiencing a disappointment following a recent survey I had sent out to a few select people and receiving no answers.

That was the tipping point.

What was it within me that kept on triggering these painful emotions and what could I do about it?

Painful emotions of feeling rejected, not good enough to get it right…

How could a simple survey have such a power to destabilize my wellbeing?

Which part of the conditioned ego still gave my power a way to outside forces, to judge me?

So I made the choice on the last full moon to release in full consciousness the old structures that constantly make me feel less than others, the judging/comparing structures.

And I took advantage of the extraordinary light coming through on the Planet during the window of the Solstice to dare to love myself for once as an experiment and to follow the impulse from within to drive the game, listening to the whispers of my soul.

My first impulse was to clean the kitchen walls and I listened. While washing the walls, I listened to recordings of past courses taken, mainly The Path of the Universal Shaman and started to hear things I had never taken the time to hear fully, always obsessed with getting this homework or that done, always next, next…. Never really stopping long enough to fully integrate the material….fast forward always.

And while I consciously chose to follow what was emerging, as mundane as washing the walls of the kitchen, I kept on feeling the pull of guilt, “You should be doing the video for EBA, or work on the curriculum of CTC course”, two courses I am currently enrolled in.

Or “You should be writing, since now is the perfect opportunity since alone in France”, or….the list of what generated that sinking feeling in my gut, guilt triggers in the body, is endless.

During the first week of consciously choosing to focus exclusively on what brought me an uplifting emotion, I must have felt the pull down of the guilt emotion at least 20 or 30 times a day. Consciously.

Every time I dismissed it and pursuit what gave me a “yes” feeling in my gut and invariably I was again immersed in a push to follow an impulse that brought joy and bliss to my attention, first brought about by the sparkling kitchen that now greeted me daily whenever I am fixing my meals.

Or following the push to go out and just go for a walk in the park, connecting with nature, other people and having impromptu conversations with strangers, not questioning the impulse but respecting the deeper knowing to be guiding me to just what I needed when I needed it.

After about a week of experiencing this new game, the moments of “feeling guilty” remarkably diminished, perhaps only a few daily.

And a new feeling of loving myself just as I am started to fill my experience, accepting the “less than perfect” actions that triggered my awareness. All is well!

I can be myself and it might never look like anything I had granted power over my bliss.

And this is only the first month since I consciously started the experiment.

The idea emerged to share this on my blog and to invite who will read this to join in on the experiment, creating a movement for Self-love, Self-acceptance and Self-patience.

This might shift the consciousness on the planet faster than all the striving to conform to some conditioned societal norm.

On the next full moon during our next Women’s Wisdom Circle on July 19th, 2016 let’s create a field of empowerment to birth this movement.

Details can be found on the event page:

https://plus.google.com/events/c95n8sas2nprm7s8qqt1qu4e5g4?hl=en

Leave a comment below if you want to be invited to join the conversation.

 

During the last day of the year 2015, I felt the urge to look back and become factual, resisting the tug of my old ego to critically judge my “non-accomplishments”. Those old programs have a tough life as they measure things from the outer perspective only, passed through a filter of comparison to others. Nothing to do with who I am and what I am up to, which is being revealed ever so gradually as an emerging energy from within.

As I looked back at my travelling schedule, I realized that I had been on the move for the first 6 months of the year: Dubai, Karachi, Riyadh, Strasbourg, back to Riyadh, Toronto, Montreal, Quebec, San Francisco, back to France at the end of April, then back to Saudi Arabia at the end of June where I prepared for our move “exit only” on September 29th, 2015. Since then, I am back in France with now some clarity about my whereabouts for 2016, planning to return to Canada at the end of January 2016.

I am nevertheless pleased at the form of my accomplishments when I look at them from within and see how they are gradually taking shape month after month, steadily, one step at a time, emerging purposefully as I clear the obstacles my ego used to scare me with.

Despite the travelling schedule, the perfectionist in me had me consume more programs I could digest during 2015 and my task in the upcoming new year will now be to integrate the wisdom and the knowledge accumulated. It is indeed only through action that this process will take place, I know that only too well and it seems that the excuses of constant travel will no longer prevail.

So I am starting the new year with a very different energy. For the first time it seems in a long time, I took the planning process seriously and on Sunday, early January 2016, I planned the month ahead, implementing some suggestions on how to improve my productivity based on what I really want to bring into form. Staying put had something to do with this: I have stayed in one place and not been on a plane since the end of September 2015.

My intentions for the new year 2016 is to put my online business creation in the foreground and remaining in balance within my self given the next transition of moving back to Canada at the end of January 2016.

Like Sherlock Homes or like an investigative journalist on the trail of uncovering the numerous ways we have been hoodwinked, I tirelessly pursue the clues I find in my own life to pierce through the biggest cover-up humanity ever faced.

The mind pollution of false and outdated beliefs keeps us sleepwalking through life like sheep turned consumers.

Like a fractal I use my life to look back, draw conclusions, make sense of the pain and joy, create new meaning for myself by healing the wounds left bleeding in my soul, liberating myself from the shackles of false beliefs taken on here and there, integrating the journey on the trail of eternity.

Age old beliefs have been running life of humanity installed for the most during our early childhood in the first 5 to 7 year of our existence, handed down from generations to the next. They contribute to create the context we live our life from and generate the patterns of our behavior.

95% of our consciousness runs on automatic and operates our behaviors and our bodily functions, blood flow, digestion, respiration and so forth…All good, except when you want to consciously change a pattern with something that goes against the prevailing program…

That’s when the resistance kicks in and this force of resistance can feel like inertia, attempting to move a ton of bricks with your bare hands and no tools. It often translates in patterns of procrastination, and masterfully finding excuses covered up under the stories we tell ourselves. This is not the first time I write about this, but this time it feels I have touched the core of the wound, at least for now!

I have made a choice a few weeks ago to stay put in France in order to prepare the online launch of a program I have been teaching in various settings off line for more than 20 years. I had said I wanted to do this since 2008, just as long as I also had planned to write a book.

Now since this still has not yet manifested I had to face myself and realize I have been running away. And I have been running for a very long time. I think it all began when I left France in the first place back in 1969, not equipped to deal with the emotional issues of my childhood.

Just thinking of exposing myself in a book or teaching what I uncovered through the fractal of my own life, but opening it up to the world to see and to be judged or worse ignored and rejected, created a state of panic that I had carefully covered over with layers of story defending that vulnerable part of my being.

I have actually not told anybody of my friends in France that I am here, so as to not get distracted from the task at hand. The first few weeks I had to deal with a lot of administrative issues and then after postponing my return to Riyadh I started to feel sheer terror emerging.

I never suspected that the emotion that surfaced was “sheer terror”. I had boxed myself in and could no longer run and I chose to feel the terror I was feeling and face the pattern I was running away from.

The terror of the small child left alone at home with a nightmare, the terror of having been burned in a past life, the terror of having been captured and sent to planet Earth to colonize it, some of the remembering emerging over the last few years while on the conscious healing journey.

When your childhood circumstances were positive and happy the scars are less important and the normal evolutionary process from generation to generation helps with updating the programs.

Cultures evolve when people change and not the other way around.

It becomes problematic when some of our basic psychic needs as a child were not met or even when some of our scars came from birth trauma or from inherited wounds in family systems or even from past lives. When some of our needs are not met as a child or when trauma lingers in our psyche for whichever reason, it imprints us with an experience lodged in our body and in our energy field, our Akashic records.

We consequently adopt a belief and create a defense structure to help compensate and not feel the original pain, rightly or wrongly perceived. Patterns of behavior develop and loop incessantly in our psyche, ensuring the replay of the defensive scenario over and over again. This is preventing the connection to the source of the pattern, the original emotion.

It is then our task later in life to re-parent ourselves and heal the wound, especially since the wound will not close as long as the experiences and the emotional imprint that caused the false beliefs stays unexamined.

Well I am dealing with one of those lately, it has risen to the surface in Technicolor in the last few months as I am working through the Irresistible Messenger program content with Vrinda Normand. It is forcing me to face the terror imprinted in my energy field connected to the unmet need, the need for safety in my example and the beliefs I adopted unconsciously “I am not worthy of attention, there must be something wrong with me, I must be bad, I am not lovable”.

A simple negligence of otherwise loving but ignorant parents can easily create such a wound. The conclusion I drew from these limiting beliefs is that I cannot count on anybody, I am on my own, nobody cares about me and the world is a dangerous place. Sounds familiar?

The pattern created early on keep on running unconsciously in our consciousness, below the radar of our conscious mind. Like an automatic tape that generates the same programmed behaviors unexamined. To the outside it looks like we are sleepwalking through life.

Answering the call from our soul and following the impulse to shift creates shock waves in our survival structure, to the subconscious ego/mind programmed for our survival for millennium.

Knowledge is power and the more awareness we have, the more we are able to make the necessary adjustments to the outdated structures that run in our consciousness.

I have been gathering knowledge throughout my life to make sense of my experiences, at first driven by the pain I was running away from, then later following the trails of creating the life I really wanted, searching for peace of mind and happiness.

When I first read the Biology of Belief of Bruce Lipton in 2009, a real sense of hope emerged and a new door of unlimited possibilities surfaced. I am not doomed for eternity. Epigenetics and new edge science helped me wake up from the sleepwalking that has been going on in my life.

We all have been provided with information that is false or outdated. Every generation discovers conventional beliefs that have never been proven but that we take on, we buy the story blindly and we make assumptions based on many of these outdated or outright false beliefs. Our life is the consequence of how we respond to our perception of our environment. Right or wrong!

Our body is like a camera, taking in the environment through the 5 senses. How I see things is adjusting who I am. Our perception creates our belief which creates our behavior.

A powerful protection mechanism is to change the environment. Which I did in 1969, at that time I knew nothing of psychology and my knowledge of biology was what was taught in university at a time when the DNA sequence of our cell had recently been discovered.

At the time I was not equipped to deal with my emotional experiences and all I could do is save my skin and leave the issues of my childhood behind. Hence I left France in 1969 to first emigrate to Germany, Switzerland and then Canada.

I have been waking up to the programs that have been running the victim tape for a very long time in my consciousness all in stages. It all started with my unity experience in 1980. I wrote about this in a previous blog post.

Constantly, I am faced with a choice: postpone facing the terror that is imprinted in my energy field and procrastinate a bit longer or face that energy of fear straight in the eyes and deal with it again and again every single step of the way until one day all its venom will be but a distant memory, an old story that once was hit parade number one in my reality.

Repeating the pattern reproduces the same biological processes and re-imprints the body with the same emotions: “Perception controls genes” (Lipton).

What is bringing this topic to my blog anyway? Is it my guidance system, the being part of my body/mind/spirit entity wanting to be fully birthed in my authenticity and fully manifest the purpose of my life that is pushing my pen? Or is it that my human body and the authentic part of my consciousness has finally outgrown the old personality having cycled through enough reincarnations to dare face the naked truth of the source of human conditioning?

Perhaps both. I have searched and healed and now is the time to speak to what I know to be true for myself.

I am not helpless and I am not alone and I am safe. The Universe has my back.

Breaking the cycle:

If you rewrite the software of your mind, you change the printout of your experience.

If you change how you perceive yourself in the environment, you can change the environment. You will be treated differently the moment you treat yourself differently.

How do you do it? It requires information and tools. Many approaches exist. In this case I used a Psych-K balancing technique helping connect both hemispheres of the brain, literally rewiring the brain.

Today I am writing about it on my blog to anchor it in my subconscious, consciously creating a new way of being. I feel free, having faced the emotion creating the sleepwalking in my life. And I feel lighter, no longer needing to hide.

It is helpful to have support when on the healing journey and I am grateful to my buddies and to my coaches having my back and supporting the best outcome of my journey and the big vision for my life.

P.S. Should you want support when faced with unresolved issues you may qualify for a free consultations. Simply fill out the application here: http://www.selfhelptoolstogrow.com/discovery-session-invitation/

I you qualify, I will contact you within two days to schedule an appointment.

Since mid December events unfolded at a faster pace that I could digest and I feel the need again, as so often when I write on my blog to integrate through the written word what my life has created for me to now attempt to make sense of.

As some of you know we have spend 10 days in Karachi, Pakistan at the end of the year, invited to a wedding of one of my daughter’s friend. This created an opportunity for our little family to visit the country my husband left some 45 years ago to immigrate to Canada and to which he had not been back to for well over 20 years.

There we stayed with a cousin on his father’s side, a part of his family that had never left in a house where all windows are protected by security bars and alarm systems.

The unconditional welcoming love I felt from Javed, Shaheda, Rani, Muntazir, Shaheen and so many others has created an overwhelming experience for me from people who a few months ago did not even know that I existed. I had never experienced such a welcome and cannot recall in my own life a time when I would have offered such an experience to another human being. This has created a deep opening in my consciousness which was to be further opened a few days later by the events happening in Paris.

The other overwhelming experience for me from our trip to Pakistan was the radical contrast between the “haves” and the “have-nots”, the ones who live in the “better” part of town and the rest of the city, which to me looked like a big, endless slum-like ghetto of chaos, poverty and desperation, witnessed when driving through town.

At times I had tears in my eyes, deeply touched, breaking my heart open. Some people living in similar conditions to a Western standard, albeit some in outright luxury. All houses however in that part of town tightly secured with alarm systems and/or security guards at their door step. A sign to me that something is not quite right or safe.

In contrast when driving outside the Defense or Clifton areas of Karachi, a city within the city, we were immediately immersed in another world where everybody is left to fend for themselves, traffic jams, beggars, poverty, dilapidated buildings and an overwhelming impression of chaos albeit an impression of inevitable acceptance and resignation to the status quo.

I was deeply imprinted by these 10 days in Pakistan and when we returned to Riyadh early January I was looking forward to make sense of all my impressions and to write about it.

Then on January 7th, 2015 another monumental event shook my world: the terrorist attacks against Charlie Hebdo in Paris, France, my home country and the killing of journalists and innocent victims because they belonged to a specific community.

For a week my life was paralyzed, suspended it seemed from its normal course of events, I just could not function.

I could only be witness to what was being reported on worldwide television.

I  was definitely connected emotionally to the wave of emerging consciousness of something urgently needing to change, as yet undefined, not yet articulated but so very deep and strong.

I only now feel ready to put some words to all that got triggered then.

To me there is a link between these events happening in different worlds, so often referred to as the first and the third world.

The fact that I had just come back from witnessing firsthand the deep divide between “haves” and “have-nots” in Pakistan, which had cracked my heart open, then witnessing the terrorists attacks in France and the symbolism of it all created an opening in my consciousness and a urgency to finally hear the calling in my soul and what needs to change worldwide which clearly to me points to what needs to change within each of us.

What needs to change within? How can we end the fragmentation within our mind that creates the disconnect from our authentic being and which then manifests outside through the immense disparity between “haves” and “have-nots”?

These ghettos exist everywhere the world over. I have witnessed them in India, Indonesia, Sri Lanka, New York, my own home town Strasbourg. Just 10 minutes by bike from where I live in France, there is one of those ghettos.

That fragmentation is the consequence of millennia of conditioned limiting mind programs that today are outright outdated and based on false beliefs about our true identity.

The feeling of fragmentation is certainly caused by all the areas within our psyche where we feel we do not belong, repressed or not in our shadows.

I have a long history of narrative in my own life where I have segregated my being from my outer experiences and isolated myself because not good enough, successful enough, etc… The endless comparison to somebody else or something else outside of myself.

From the onset of my life, I chose to be born in a multicultural setting. Many years ago I took responsibility for choosing my parents and birth circumstances, really only then starting the healing journey out of victim consciousness. Growing up post WWII in Alsace, speaking two languages, French and Alsatian, a German dialect.

I had firsthand experience of being different. Today I realize my feeling different partially came from my different upbringing, my mother being older, more articulate and outspoken than my friend’s. Back then mostly wanting to hide and dissociate from her because she was different and all I wanted is to be “ordinary” like everybody else. Only to realize later  that we are all different and unique albeit connected to a larger source of oneness and unity.

But that was my journey of growing up and waking up.

When I grapple with the call I hear from my soul and higher guidance, I ask what can I do?

I have to be with that question daily, not to fall back into past habitual attitudes of keeping myself isolated.

An small example the other day at the train station where I stopped to buy a ticket to go and visit my sister last Sunday. A young man stopped me and asked: “are you from here”?

That is always a strange question for me, since I am always passing by and have no real in-depth knowledge of my hometown. I noticed the first thought that came to mind “he must want some money”, noticing in real time my automatic thought program triggered by a stranger’s request. I am sure I am not the only one with this program.

But I stopped because I am genuinely searching for the small things I can do to heal from the individualistic disconnect present the world over. It turned out he was looking for a place I vaguely knew about. So instead of saying I don’t know and move on, I tried to locate it on the map and gave him an indication of the direction he must take to find it.

When I then left, I felt good, I had connected with another human being and been helpful. A very small gesture. But maybe that is the only thing that is ever necessary. To extend one small hand to another human being.

Taking a small step rather than thinking I first need to have all my online structure fully wired and connected to millions to feel like I am making a difference.

The ideas that are emerging and that I am exploring is to conduct a series of interviews on authentic living in diverse cultures helping bridge diverse points of view, highlighting blind spots, outdated beliefs.

The first intention I connect with is to explore with others the process of waking up to what is possible when we consciously grow up and embrace all that is, our essence.

If some of you reading this would like to participate, please leave a comment and I will contact you. This will be a co-creative endeavor, alone I will not go far.

What are you willing to be and  do to help heal the world from its fragmentation. The time is now. There is urgency.

Last month has been intense, the energies present in the sky pushing me to release old patterns of behavior and thoughts.

I felt the need to write about it on my blog to anchor in the new me before the new moon cycle on Dec. 21, 2015 and before I set my intentions for the New Year.

I started the year with a webinar where I set the intention (The 2014 Intention Experiment) to be fully visible, to stop hiding and to release my perfectionist tendencies. To be true to my intentions I will release this blog post to the people who have opted in for my free report, something I have been putting off month after month this whole year.

These last few months have been stressful and taxing:

  • Uncertainty about our whereabouts, our life in Saudi Arabia may be drawing on its end
  • Travelling a lot in the first part of the year, participating in Bill Barren’s event and Sage Lavine Women Leadership Summit.
  • Feeling guilty for not being with my ailing cat, and then caring for him until he passed early October.
  • and much more….

All that created a condition I have known for a good part of my life. There is never certainty in life. All the cycles in our life are bringing up emotions good and awful.

However being aware of it all and accepting to live it for what it is, an energy which is passing, a moment in time that will change when my thoughts, my focus changes, makes it all now much more enjoyable even.

What makes it enjoyable is the awareness of it all, the full consciousness of what is happening and not feeling like a victim of my circumstances any more.

I was finally at a point at the end of November to get a handle on my body and chose to do a liver cleanse to detoxify, a process I have used once or twice a year to clear toxins and to come back to neutral. At times I have followed the cleanse with a fast as long as 5 days to a month. This time I chose to do only a week-end and thought I would resume my food intake at a reasonable pace the following Monday.

But my body was guiding me otherwise.

This cleanse felt different and it kick started a process of releasing toxicity lodged in my body it feels from time immemorial.

I have been on a toxic release of outdated thoughts, conditioned behaviors, dense emotions vibrating at very low frequency, outlived patterns that still run the show, old paradigm mindset being flushed out from the density lodged in my cells. Tears, flashbacks, intense release.

An overflow of yuuuk that feels million years old.

The type of toxic thoughts: I have all this food in the fridge, I cannot let it rot, I better eat it before it goes bad…and in the mouth it goes on automatic. A program of survival millions of years old.

Always I have to do more, just one more thing today before I can just be and relax and enjoy my life because doing nothing is not OK. I hear my mother saying: “Today I haven’t done much, with a tone of guilt”.

Well releasing that program too!

I have to know everything in advance for my clients, so it is scary to add more clients, so I procrastinate with building the online portion of my business. Because how could I know everything about them, that perfectionist streak acting out there too… releasing it!

I am still not fully baked, ready, whatever, still need to learn things, cannot do it alone, and need to have this one more course or degree….
Oh, I am no good because I don’t have a Facebook fan page yet, or a neat website, or a anything….comparing myself…releasing it!

Releasing expectations that my business is going to get build today in one final stroke. A magical thought from an ancestral program, that one day Prince Charming will make it all work out!….

Releasing abandonment, rejection, doubt…

Releasing my separation story. Releasing the victim energy in me.

Releasing the fragmentation created from all the judgments I hold

Then on Dec. 4th, on my 66th birthday, I gave myself the gift of just BEING, not constantly doing, doing….

And it felt ecstatic. I can actually do this now and just be myself without the compulsive thought of feeling guilty for all the still undone to-do list I carry forward from week to week.

My life, my transformation is my craft.

I have been on the conscious journey well over half my life and have even written my origin story last week, finally daring owing it all. Sharing it below, experimenting with a new format for the blog.

Curious to find out if the energies of the last month have impacted you too. If you care to share it below, I would appreciate. I know I have not been the only one on the roller coaster of release over the last few years, but never with as much full consciousness as during the last month.

My origin story:

In my garden in Riyadh, KSAIt was a warm day in May 1980, I was 31 years old and I was walking my dog in Kent Park. The sun was setting and I stopped to enjoy the glow of the last few rays shimmering above the horizon. I sat on the grass and suddenly out of the blue, I knew everything, past, present, and future. I had access to it all. The experience lasted a second or an eternity. I had accessed the eternal NOW and my life changed forever.

I became a seeker.

From then on I was obsessed with understanding what happened to me that evening and I embarked on the journey to uncover that part of myself I had glanced at in that instant filled with grace.

In hindsight I recall my life up to that moment as being filled with suffering, 4 relationship breakups in just 10 years. I would usually leave in  a preemptive strike not to be abandoned. An undertone of sadness always part of my life it seems. When I cried I felt I had opened the flood gates and could feel the pain of the world move through me. Not wanting to be embarrassed I had learned to push my emotions away, and rationalized my way through life, living in my head.

I thought to be happy I needed to know everything, so I acquired an education, had a good job, but there was something missing and I couldn’t put my finger on it.

I went into therapy and began to see that I felt like a bird in a cage. It felt like I was in a prison, no freedom to be who I was. The prison of my judgments of not good enough.

A long journey of healing from the outdated conditioned beliefs inherited from time immemorial has prepared me to guide women into their essence and help them uncover their purposeful life and create meaning out of their life experiences.

My beloved cat Noiran died on October 2nd and the day after I buried him the thought of going to Dubai and participate in the workshop “Holotropic Breathwork” that my friend Andrea Anstiss was organizing, imposed itself in my consciousness. I am sure he had something to do with it as he still is my most trusted teacher.

On October 8th during the full moon and the solar eclipse the energies for the shift in consciousness were heightened and I have not failed to feel them. On that day, a little over three weeks ago I flew to Dubai and participated in the workshop. “Holotropic Breathwork” is a process that combines accelerated breathing with evocative music to enter a non-ordinary state of consciousness.

At the end of the workshop I attempted to grasp the experience I had visually in a drawing. However it took all that time to put words to the lived experience. DSC01867 What keeps on wanting to be expressed is something like this:

I AM That Which Is, We All ARE multi-dimensional super beings living in the eternal NOW and right now I am, we are ALSO having a human existence and are evolving into the next stage of conscious existence on planet Earth.

Gone seems to be the critical voice that kept whispering “Who do you think you are”, “Not good enough”, etc… The voices of the lower mind, the local small self, seeing life through the lens of the program of fear and separation that I have been attempting to heal from throughout my life.

During Holotropic I had flashbacks of multiple past lives or current lives on different planes of time and space, not quite sure which one is more correct, perhaps both. This was definitely a transpersonal experience which took me beyond the boundaries of my small local ego self.

My experience is as real as the feeling I get when I touch my own body, it is now part of my integrated lived truth and it no longer requires proof!

I am always amazed at the way guidance emerges in my life and I have referred to the thoughts and ideas through which it manifests as “energy hits from my soul“. When it does it is compelling and unwavering. I just have to do it, no turning back.

In hindsight if I look back at my life, many extra-ordinary experiences have always guided my path. Holotropic Breathwork seems to be an integrative experience of the many others; an experiential stepping into the multi-dimensional eternal reality that is happening on many levels simultaneously. I am no longer keeping myself separate from That Which Is. I will be writing more on that in future blogs.

Let me name a few of those experiences that have guided my awakening in no chronological order:

  • In the year 2000 while I was searching through the site of Omega Institute I was totally mesmerized by the description of the Shapeshifting workshop with John Perkins, Personal and Global Transformation and I had to go! The clarity was instantaneous and no doubting thought ever even had a chance to enter my consciousness. This workshop opened my connection to the shamanic path and the ancient blood memory of a life close to Mother Earth and the physical substances that make up our body.
  • In 2001 a call by the woods to go immerse myself in a solo track in nature. The message came through a constant fluttering in my hara center experienced back then like a drumming going on in my guts. It stopped when I heeded the call. A few months later I started my 10 day solo track while fasting in Algonquin Park, after a week of survival training with Tom Brown in New Jersey.
  • In 2010 I heard Dr. Eric Pearl on Healing With The Masters read 6 sentences, channeled messages given to him and I was instantly pulled in, they spoke to me personally and there again I was attracted to the next Reconnection Workshop like a magnet, this time I few to Italy to attend and it is only now after the integrative experience of Holotropic that I fully understand was this meant to me. It is only now I fully grasp what this Reconnection experience was, e.g. as described on their site: “…the reconnection of DNA strands and the reintegration of “strings” simultaneous – or parallel – planes of existence…”
  • In 1980, even earlier, as I was watching a sunset, I had a unity experience where I grasped the dimension of eternity of my being, past, present, future….all part of the eternal NOW. This experience totally shifted my life orientation and my search for meaning began in earnest. 35 years later, I now totally get who I really am, a Divine being having a human experience, and daring express that experience, this is the “new” part emerging. And I am living in a female body at a time when a shift in consciousness on the Planet is paramount and at a time when the world needs to reconnect to the Divine Feminine, the Creatrix, the Goddess co-creator.
  • Or my call to go to India searching for who I really am in 1988 I came back enlightened. The experience offered a container for all the healing work I still had to do, a deep dive into ego resumed.

The old control programs of the lower mind which kept me disconnected from my heart, my true Self and who I really am, seem to have vanished for now.

My whole current life on this plane of reality seems to have been a healing journey from the time I was born through a difficult birth.

My tag line since the Reconnection attempted to capture the journey I have been on: “Awaken, heal and reconnect”. True healing can only emerge from a reconnection to That Which Is through an awakening to our true essential spiritual nature. Indeed a long journey of back and forth through multiple layers of doubts and resistance creating the drama of our life.

Perhaps to create a context for readers who might never have had such experiences I want to share what Dr. Larry Dossey had to say on Global Oneness Day 2014. He was asked some questions based on his latest book, where he goes into greater details: One Mind, How Our Individual Mind is Part of a Greater Consciousness and Why It Matters. I haven’t read the book yet.

During his keynote address on that day Dr. Dossey said that “between 15-20 million Americans have had Near Death experiences that we know about”, not counting all those who never report having had such an experience, all “expressing absolute unity and oneness with everything there is”. Our experiences don’t lie and they corroborate with laboratory experiences conducted by science all over the world showing that minds simply aren’t separate, citing him: “We can communicate thoughts, emotions, and feelings with people on the other side of earth. We are not locked in our brains and bodies and separate from everything.” And I want to add we can even communicate beyond this current experience of our 3D reality!

The awakening journey is a process and I certainly have gone back and forth, at first guided by personal powerful experiences then searching to make sense out of them by studying, reading what is happening scientifically, which helped me accept and step beyond the doubting lower ego mind.

The Holotropic Breathwork experience for me was an integrative one, finally I embody  my whole Self, I can say I have come home, I am One and it feels humbling and good. I finally belong here and there! Everywhere!

Life on this plane is good; I can now start to enjoy it, and fully experience its magnificence just for its own sake, no longer in search of meaning. Now I know and I AM.

Tribute to my cat NoiranDSC01808

Love is the ground of being. Animals are connected to the purest form of love, the one that is unconditional.

My cat has a cancerous tumor which keeps growing. My cat is not just any cat to me.

As I begin to write this, I hear my mind whispering, who cares, who wants to read this, just drop the idea of creating a blog post out of this…. Thank you for sharing…something wants to be written about my experience with my cat….let me continue.

Let’s start at the beginning. He was born a breach, the third male kitten of our mother cat Minette, who passed away two years ago. I pulled him out by his hind legs when I heard her meow out of desperation and when I realized what was happening. There was an instant bonding to this little kitten from the first hour and we kept him, where as the two other kittens found a home some 15 years ago.

He was named Noiran by my daughter who found names for all our cats. He is black and white, noir et blanc in French, so he became Noiran, a contraction between the two words: noir et blanc.

Our cats when we moved, came with us and since we are travelling internationally had to have all the required vaccines and some, given by overzealous veterinarians following protocol. One of those vaccines contained a live strand and is at the origin of the tumor who took 10 years to declare itself for the first time last year, which I had removed twice. Now it grows exponentially and can no longer be operated.

This of course brings up the inevitable end we all face at the end of the journey we are all travelling on our beautiful mother ship the Earth.

On the last leg of his journey he once again cracks me open, leaving me raw and vulnerable, but now fully equipped to handle the flow of energy that comes through when connected to inner strength and the power of the universe.

Let me create a context for what wants to emerge here.

See, about 10 years ago, we had to abruptly leave Saudi Arabia, due to a combination of events, terrorist attacks against Westerners and a health issue my mother was facing in France. So we chose to move to France, my homeland, where I had not lived for the last 35 years.

This was one of the most difficult experiences of my life. I felt lost, disconnected, depressed, and anxious all the time, felt like a refugee in my country of origin, in pain galore, definitely not connected to the ground of being: love.

This state of feeling lost, disconnected lasted a few years, as I was not grounded in anything, I was unable to make the best decisions for myself or my daughter. So we moved again two years later, this time to Canada for two years, then back to France once again, all the while, I kept on visiting my husband still working in Saudi Arabia.

So basically I was on a plane changing continent between France, Canada and Saudi Arabia and time zones every three months.

Then back in 2008 or 2009, I can’t recall exactly, during a group coaching course with Mary A Hall, Mary was teaching us her connection tools, and how to find the space of love that lives in our heart. I had a real difficult time, trying at first to connect to the love I feel for my daughter.  When she was born, I experienced it and even wrote an article “My Daughter, My Master” about it.

But back then and still today at times she blames me for many mistakes I made during those times, so I shrink… I also tried connecting to the love for my husband, but he has disappointed me too many times to find it easy to connect at this unconditional level.

However, only the thought of my cat Noiran and the way he looks at me, purrs instantly when I take him, helped me find the space of love within my heart. Now when lost and disconnected, I just think of him and I can reconnect instantaneously. This makes him a very special cat to me.

Today, when I reflect back, I know that Noiran has been a teacher in my life, probably the biggest guru, or spiritual teacher, and I had connections to a few in the past, but none was able to connect me to that unconditional flow of raw power and inner strength that loves opens yourself up to: the ground of being, the stuff we are all made up of, the stuff that heals

And for the last month ever since I am back in Saudi Arabia and dispensing palliative care to the greatest teacher I ever had in my life, he is healing me and cracking me open to my purpose, supporting me to write beyond the critical self judgments acting as a shield to the truth, my truth, and the purpose of my life, the work I came here to do.

The shield of my critical self judgments, not perfect enough to share, which used to constantly hold me back. Now daring greatly!

The flow of unconditional love that I had never experienced as a child growing up is now flowing freely and with it an emergence of what wants to be said through me.

I do not know exactly where this will take me and how it will happen. What I do know now for sure is that I no longer want to hold it back and stay a prisoner of my own critical judgments.

I have more to say on that topic, but that will be for another time. Writing this has brought up many emotions and I will now go for a swim to digest it all.

 

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