What does it mean to be free?
It means I can be who I really am, free to be me, expressing myself freely and not overly concerned about what people will say when I express myself or let’s face still express myself, even if for sure I will stir up criticism or judgments from others since not everybody will share my perspective on life.
This blog post is an exploration into the causes which have limited my freedom to be and express myself by letting the fear of judgment and the fear of rejection have the upper hand. Two main causes seem to be emerging from this exploration.
1. The first one is that I had not sufficiently distilled my own message to share it intelligently.
In a You-Tube video I heard Dr. John D. Martini say that procrastination is the result of three (3) primary things:
- a. An unclear vision
- b. An un-chunked vision
- c. A vision not linked to your higher values
My vision is very clear and it is definitely linked to my higher values, however and that is the point in b. above: it is still not chunked enough. It still is very contextual, definitely inspiring me to keep on working on my own blocks to full manifestation. However when it comes to sharing it publicly I still let my fear of being judged stop me from at least sharing my evolving progress.
Noticing here that this is what I am actually doing today, daring to articulate this for myself. Credit to this “daring greatly” goes to Brené Brown. I have been immersed in reading her book DARING GREATLY – How the Courage to Be Vulnerable Transforms the Way We Live, Love, Parent and Lead.
2. The second one is that I had not finished clearing shame and guilt for not being perfect from my energy field. Wow! When I saw this the other day, one huge block to expressing myself got lifted.
Since January I wanted to write regularly on my blog and have not done it consistently, using excuses of travel and others to procrastinate. Then in March 2014 after I met a number of people at the Big Shift with Bill Barren and at the Women Leadership summit with Sage Lavine, I had all intentions of setting up a short Newsletter to keep connected and sharing progress on emerging ideas since the March workshops. Every single month since April I have included this in my monthly goals and last week when I say the near end of the month of August approaching, and still not having done it, I starred myself square in the eyes once again and journalled on the topic to gain clarity on what is stopping me.
An old pattern of mine is at cause here: I have to do it all on my own and perfectly please and of course should already have figured it out by now at 65. Figured out what? Well there again no limit to the demands set by my ego. But more specifically: I should have figured out how to set up an online business (coaching and teaching as I have been offline) with all the bells and whistles, as Christina Hills calls it in her Website Creation Workshop, which I have taken for the first time in 2009.
Back then during her workshop I had set up my blog site and sincerely hoped that no one would ever find it, feeling ashamed that this is all I could come up with at the time, since by no means did it have all the bells and whistles of shopping cart, video message, sales offer, etc…and still don’t! I am actually only now gaining clarity on what I would like. And what I am realizing is that the pattern of having to do it all alone is not the major block to forward motion. The real block to this pattern shifting is my own critical self judgments sabotaging progress and which kept it locked in place.
I have come a long way in the last few years accepting help and coaching from mentors and gaining exponential clarity on my message, vision, mission and intentions. So why is it still causing procrastination?
Well, it is only when I completely was able to feel into the shame and guilt that the critical self judgments were attempting to shield me from feeling that I found the courage to share this publicly.
Shame and guilt is what I experienced for not being ‘perfectly organized’, ‘totally clear’, ‘utterly productive’, well in a nut shell PERFECT all around. Brené Brown’s research showed me that I am by no means alone feeling like this, which I already knew, but somehow it gave me the courage to start writing about it.
Feeling into the emotions is powerful and I have resisted feeling into shame for a very long time, cycling the pattern.
So choosing to publish this blog post as is, by no means perfectly written, but daring to be transparent about my process and hence vulnerable to criticism but in truth it is really my very own self criticism that keeps me stuck. So now is the time on this first day of the new moon in Virgo to free myself from an outdated old program that definitely does not serve me at all.
You are welcome to test my shame resilience and comment below!