Around 12.30 PM today I heard someone put a flyer between the screen door and the entrance door of our villa while I was exercising. As I finished with my exercises thought of checking what it was.
When I opened my front door, right below the ledge inside the house I saw a huge cockroach about 1inch long. I screamed and tried to push the cockroach out into the garden over the ledge with the piece of paper (Bus Schedule) which was delivered earlier.
Well screaming must have scared the cockroach who went running for hiding under a cupboard standing right by the entrance. I became frantic; no way am I going to have a living cockroach in my house, under the cupboard.
I dashed into the kitchen to look for some roach killer, only found some mosquito spray which I attempted to inundate the floor under the cabinet with, hoping to kill the “beast”. No success, the cockroach came out running from underneath, more screaming and the “beast” disappears again under the cabinet… and now totally frantically I pulled at the cabinet…I will get you!
As I pulled and pulled the top of the cabinet came tumbling down and fell on my right arm, spreading everything on the floor, from business cards, coins, cassette recorder, pens and pencils, smashing two glass vases, a ceramic pencil container into thousand pieces and breaking a plastic container full of citronella oil!
Moments later the cockroach who must have found a way to climb up into the top part of the cabinet fell down this time on his back with his legs frantically attempting to turn around. A huge brown volcanic rock (I am a rock collector and have them everywhere in the house) had also tumbled down and lay nearby. Again impulse acting through me, I grabbed the rock and smashed the poor cockroach. He had no chance!
And then I came back to my senses, free of the intruder and started to contemplate the scene, wondering where to start with the clean up?
I had to take a picture of the mess since immediately saw how this totally irrational situation had something to teach me. The words that came to mind “irrational fears” kept pounding in my head. For an instant thought of calling for help for the clean-up and then chose to do it myself. There is more than meets the eye here and I started to reflect on the situation, while sweeping and mopping up the oil.
So what am I pulling from this mess? Well for one a blog post about irrational fears, but also a lesson from my higher guidance, that not everything will go according to my planning. This situation of course took a few hours from my schedule plus the time I am now taking to write about it. As I proceeded with the clean up, saw here an opportunity to delve deeper into the subconscious and supra-conscious meaning this has for me and journal about it, instead of working on my daily to-do list.
First on the topic of subconscious fears, totally irrational but which paralyze us.
Now what does a cockroach represent? The underground, they live in the earth, the underground is that vast territory of our subconscious mind which runs our life, from all the autonomic features of our nervous system that keep us alive, e.g. breathing, digestion, heart beating, etc… and keep us safe from time immemorial, rooted in the reptilian brain. And it definitely is that very archaic part of me that reacted impulsively to seeing the cockroach, the classical fight or flight impulse. And I fought! I was in my home; no way will that beast intrude my house. It could very well have been a tiger! Come to think about it, a tiger would not have created the same stir. I love animals and admire insects, even rescue bees still alive when they have fallen into the pool when I go for a swim. So what is it with roaches and creepy crawlers? Well it looks like I will need more reflection on this one. Will let it simmer.
Second on the topic of supra-conscious guidance.
Here the message is a bit clearer, since I have been procrastinating expressing myself, doubting that I had anything to bring to the game through my writing. For seven years now I have this project of writing my story about the adventures of my life and the lessons and wisdom I am pulling from them and keep on putting it off.
Not perfect yet, no fully fledged online business yet, so better work some more before daring to share your story. And who would be interested to read it anyway, says my ego, the ultimate protector constantly cutting the grass from under my wings?
Yesterday however I have spent quite a lot of time daring to put in writing again my Big Why and attempting to define the movement I am creating. What keeps on emerging is a movement of freedom for women to fully express themselves from a place of inner connected and Earth grounded power and wisdom.
When the cupboard fell I immediately saw the opportunity to express myself via this blog on the topic of irrational fears and saw it as a way Spirit has of guiding me to do what I am yearning to do, to fully express myself, despite the fear of judgments, criticism and what not….and the fear of never being perfect ever, but daring anyway. This actually right now brings up tears….
Yes this is what it is all about, following the guidance day by day and not the programmed to-do list following reason. And my Angel card this morning was “Answered Prayers”! Can it get any better in terms of guidance and direct intervention?
This touches me deeply since for most of my life I have thought of myself as abandoned by God, not worthy of attention and consideration. This core wound has forged a path of healing and today I am claiming the wisdom gleaned from the transformation and the journey, daring to light and guide the way for others to follow.
The irrational fear of the cockroach brings me to write about guidance, the other pole in life, the inner and the outer. The dark and the light, soul and ego… More on that later, something got unlocked today. Thank you Spirit, God, Universe!