Love is the ground of being. Animals are connected to the purest form of love, the one that is unconditional.
My cat has a cancerous tumor which keeps growing. My cat is not just any cat to me.
As I begin to write this, I hear my mind whispering, who cares, who wants to read this, just drop the idea of creating a blog post out of this…. Thank you for sharing…something wants to be written about my experience with my cat….let me continue.
Let’s start at the beginning. He was born a breach, the third male kitten of our mother cat Minette, who passed away two years ago. I pulled him out by his hind legs when I heard her meow out of desperation and when I realized what was happening. There was an instant bonding to this little kitten from the first hour and we kept him, where as the two other kittens found a home some 15 years ago.
He was named Noiran by my daughter who found names for all our cats. He is black and white, noir et blanc in French, so he became Noiran, a contraction between the two words: noir et blanc.
Our cats when we moved, came with us and since we are travelling internationally had to have all the required vaccines and some, given by overzealous veterinarians following protocol. One of those vaccines contained a live strand and is at the origin of the tumor who took 10 years to declare itself for the first time last year, which I had removed twice. Now it grows exponentially and can no longer be operated.
This of course brings up the inevitable end we all face at the end of the journey we are all travelling on our beautiful mother ship the Earth.
On the last leg of his journey he once again cracks me open, leaving me raw and vulnerable, but now fully equipped to handle the flow of energy that comes through when connected to inner strength and the power of the universe.
Let me create a context for what wants to emerge here.
See, about 10 years ago, we had to abruptly leave Saudi Arabia, due to a combination of events, terrorist attacks against Westerners and a health issue my mother was facing in France. So we chose to move to France, my homeland, where I had not lived for the last 35 years.
This was one of the most difficult experiences of my life. I felt lost, disconnected, depressed, and anxious all the time, felt like a refugee in my country of origin, in pain galore, definitely not connected to the ground of being: love.
This state of feeling lost, disconnected lasted a few years, as I was not grounded in anything, I was unable to make the best decisions for myself or my daughter. So we moved again two years later, this time to Canada for two years, then back to France once again, all the while, I kept on visiting my husband still working in Saudi Arabia.
So basically I was on a plane changing continent between France, Canada and Saudi Arabia and time zones every three months.
Then back in 2008 or 2009, I can’t recall exactly, during a group coaching course with Mary A Hall, Mary was teaching us her connection tools, and how to find the space of love that lives in our heart. I had a real difficult time, trying at first to connect to the love I feel for my daughter. When she was born, I experienced it and even wrote an article “My Daughter, My Master” about it.
But back then and still today at times she blames me for many mistakes I made during those times, so I shrink… I also tried connecting to the love for my husband, but he has disappointed me too many times to find it easy to connect at this unconditional level.
However, only the thought of my cat Noiran and the way he looks at me, purrs instantly when I take him, helped me find the space of love within my heart. Now when lost and disconnected, I just think of him and I can reconnect instantaneously. This makes him a very special cat to me.
Today, when I reflect back, I know that Noiran has been a teacher in my life, probably the biggest guru, or spiritual teacher, and I had connections to a few in the past, but none was able to connect me to that unconditional flow of raw power and inner strength that loves opens yourself up to: the ground of being, the stuff we are all made up of, the stuff that heals…
And for the last month ever since I am back in Saudi Arabia and dispensing palliative care to the greatest teacher I ever had in my life, he is healing me and cracking me open to my purpose, supporting me to write beyond the critical self judgments acting as a shield to the truth, my truth, and the purpose of my life, the work I came here to do.
The shield of my critical self judgments, not perfect enough to share, which used to constantly hold me back. Now daring greatly!
The flow of unconditional love that I had never experienced as a child growing up is now flowing freely and with it an emergence of what wants to be said through me.
I do not know exactly where this will take me and how it will happen. What I do know now for sure is that I no longer want to hold it back and stay a prisoner of my own critical judgments.
I have more to say on that topic, but that will be for another time. Writing this has brought up many emotions and I will now go for a swim to digest it all.