Last month has been intense, the energies present in the sky pushing me to release old patterns of behavior and thoughts.
I felt the need to write about it on my blog to anchor in the new me before the new moon cycle on Dec. 21, 2015 and before I set my intentions for the New Year.
I started the year with a webinar where I set the intention (The 2014 Intention Experiment) to be fully visible, to stop hiding and to release my perfectionist tendencies. To be true to my intentions I will release this blog post to the people who have opted in for my free report, something I have been putting off month after month this whole year.
These last few months have been stressful and taxing:
- Uncertainty about our whereabouts, our life in Saudi Arabia may be drawing on its end
- Travelling a lot in the first part of the year, participating in Bill Barren’s event and Sage Lavine Women Leadership Summit.
- Feeling guilty for not being with my ailing cat, and then caring for him until he passed early October.
- and much more….
All that created a condition I have known for a good part of my life. There is never certainty in life. All the cycles in our life are bringing up emotions good and awful.
However being aware of it all and accepting to live it for what it is, an energy which is passing, a moment in time that will change when my thoughts, my focus changes, makes it all now much more enjoyable even.
What makes it enjoyable is the awareness of it all, the full consciousness of what is happening and not feeling like a victim of my circumstances any more.
I was finally at a point at the end of November to get a handle on my body and chose to do a liver cleanse to detoxify, a process I have used once or twice a year to clear toxins and to come back to neutral. At times I have followed the cleanse with a fast as long as 5 days to a month. This time I chose to do only a week-end and thought I would resume my food intake at a reasonable pace the following Monday.
But my body was guiding me otherwise.
This cleanse felt different and it kick started a process of releasing toxicity lodged in my body it feels from time immemorial.
I have been on a toxic release of outdated thoughts, conditioned behaviors, dense emotions vibrating at very low frequency, outlived patterns that still run the show, old paradigm mindset being flushed out from the density lodged in my cells. Tears, flashbacks, intense release.…
An overflow of yuuuk that feels million years old.
The type of toxic thoughts: I have all this food in the fridge, I cannot let it rot, I better eat it before it goes bad…and in the mouth it goes on automatic. A program of survival millions of years old.
Always I have to do more, just one more thing today before I can just be and relax and enjoy my life because doing nothing is not OK. I hear my mother saying: “Today I haven’t done much, with a tone of guilt”.
Well releasing that program too!
I have to know everything in advance for my clients, so it is scary to add more clients, so I procrastinate with building the online portion of my business. Because how could I know everything about them, that perfectionist streak acting out there too… releasing it!
I am still not fully baked, ready, whatever, still need to learn things, cannot do it alone, and need to have this one more course or degree….
Oh, I am no good because I don’t have a Facebook fan page yet, or a neat website, or a anything….comparing myself…releasing it!
Releasing expectations that my business is going to get build today in one final stroke. A magical thought from an ancestral program, that one day Prince Charming will make it all work out!….
Releasing abandonment, rejection, doubt…
Releasing my separation story. Releasing the victim energy in me.
Releasing the fragmentation created from all the judgments I hold…
Then on Dec. 4th, on my 66th birthday, I gave myself the gift of just BEING, not constantly doing, doing….
And it felt ecstatic. I can actually do this now and just be myself without the compulsive thought of feeling guilty for all the still undone to-do list I carry forward from week to week.
My life, my transformation is my craft.
I have been on the conscious journey well over half my life and have even written my origin story last week, finally daring owing it all. Sharing it below, experimenting with a new format for the blog.
Curious to find out if the energies of the last month have impacted you too. If you care to share it below, I would appreciate. I know I have not been the only one on the roller coaster of release over the last few years, but never with as much full consciousness as during the last month.
My origin story:
It was a warm day in May 1980, I was 31 years old and I was walking my dog in Kent Park. The sun was setting and I stopped to enjoy the glow of the last few rays shimmering above the horizon. I sat on the grass and suddenly out of the blue, I knew everything, past, present, and future. I had access to it all. The experience lasted a second or an eternity. I had accessed the eternal NOW and my life changed forever.
I became a seeker.
From then on I was obsessed with understanding what happened to me that evening and I embarked on the journey to uncover that part of myself I had glanced at in that instant filled with grace.
In hindsight I recall my life up to that moment as being filled with suffering, 4 relationship breakups in just 10 years. I would usually leave in a preemptive strike not to be abandoned. An undertone of sadness always part of my life it seems. When I cried I felt I had opened the flood gates and could feel the pain of the world move through me. Not wanting to be embarrassed I had learned to push my emotions away, and rationalized my way through life, living in my head.
I thought to be happy I needed to know everything, so I acquired an education, had a good job, but there was something missing and I couldn’t put my finger on it.
I went into therapy and began to see that I felt like a bird in a cage. It felt like I was in a prison, no freedom to be who I was. The prison of my judgments of not good enough.
A long journey of healing from the outdated conditioned beliefs inherited from time immemorial has prepared me to guide women into their essence and help them uncover their purposeful life and create meaning out of their life experiences.