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Last month has been intense, the energies present in the sky pushing me to release old patterns of behavior and thoughts.

I felt the need to write about it on my blog to anchor in the new me before the new moon cycle on Dec. 21, 2015 and before I set my intentions for the New Year.

I started the year with a webinar where I set the intention (The 2014 Intention Experiment) to be fully visible, to stop hiding and to release my perfectionist tendencies. To be true to my intentions I will release this blog post to the people who have opted in for my free report, something I have been putting off month after month this whole year.

These last few months have been stressful and taxing:

  • Uncertainty about our whereabouts, our life in Saudi Arabia may be drawing on its end
  • Travelling a lot in the first part of the year, participating in Bill Barren’s event and Sage Lavine Women Leadership Summit.
  • Feeling guilty for not being with my ailing cat, and then caring for him until he passed early October.
  • and much more….

All that created a condition I have known for a good part of my life. There is never certainty in life. All the cycles in our life are bringing up emotions good and awful.

However being aware of it all and accepting to live it for what it is, an energy which is passing, a moment in time that will change when my thoughts, my focus changes, makes it all now much more enjoyable even.

What makes it enjoyable is the awareness of it all, the full consciousness of what is happening and not feeling like a victim of my circumstances any more.

I was finally at a point at the end of November to get a handle on my body and chose to do a liver cleanse to detoxify, a process I have used once or twice a year to clear toxins and to come back to neutral. At times I have followed the cleanse with a fast as long as 5 days to a month. This time I chose to do only a week-end and thought I would resume my food intake at a reasonable pace the following Monday.

But my body was guiding me otherwise.

This cleanse felt different and it kick started a process of releasing toxicity lodged in my body it feels from time immemorial.

I have been on a toxic release of outdated thoughts, conditioned behaviors, dense emotions vibrating at very low frequency, outlived patterns that still run the show, old paradigm mindset being flushed out from the density lodged in my cells. Tears, flashbacks, intense release.

An overflow of yuuuk that feels million years old.

The type of toxic thoughts: I have all this food in the fridge, I cannot let it rot, I better eat it before it goes bad…and in the mouth it goes on automatic. A program of survival millions of years old.

Always I have to do more, just one more thing today before I can just be and relax and enjoy my life because doing nothing is not OK. I hear my mother saying: “Today I haven’t done much, with a tone of guilt”.

Well releasing that program too!

I have to know everything in advance for my clients, so it is scary to add more clients, so I procrastinate with building the online portion of my business. Because how could I know everything about them, that perfectionist streak acting out there too… releasing it!

I am still not fully baked, ready, whatever, still need to learn things, cannot do it alone, and need to have this one more course or degree….
Oh, I am no good because I don’t have a Facebook fan page yet, or a neat website, or a anything….comparing myself…releasing it!

Releasing expectations that my business is going to get build today in one final stroke. A magical thought from an ancestral program, that one day Prince Charming will make it all work out!….

Releasing abandonment, rejection, doubt…

Releasing my separation story. Releasing the victim energy in me.

Releasing the fragmentation created from all the judgments I hold

Then on Dec. 4th, on my 66th birthday, I gave myself the gift of just BEING, not constantly doing, doing….

And it felt ecstatic. I can actually do this now and just be myself without the compulsive thought of feeling guilty for all the still undone to-do list I carry forward from week to week.

My life, my transformation is my craft.

I have been on the conscious journey well over half my life and have even written my origin story last week, finally daring owing it all. Sharing it below, experimenting with a new format for the blog.

Curious to find out if the energies of the last month have impacted you too. If you care to share it below, I would appreciate. I know I have not been the only one on the roller coaster of release over the last few years, but never with as much full consciousness as during the last month.

My origin story:

In my garden in Riyadh, KSAIt was a warm day in May 1980, I was 31 years old and I was walking my dog in Kent Park. The sun was setting and I stopped to enjoy the glow of the last few rays shimmering above the horizon. I sat on the grass and suddenly out of the blue, I knew everything, past, present, and future. I had access to it all. The experience lasted a second or an eternity. I had accessed the eternal NOW and my life changed forever.

I became a seeker.

From then on I was obsessed with understanding what happened to me that evening and I embarked on the journey to uncover that part of myself I had glanced at in that instant filled with grace.

In hindsight I recall my life up to that moment as being filled with suffering, 4 relationship breakups in just 10 years. I would usually leave in  a preemptive strike not to be abandoned. An undertone of sadness always part of my life it seems. When I cried I felt I had opened the flood gates and could feel the pain of the world move through me. Not wanting to be embarrassed I had learned to push my emotions away, and rationalized my way through life, living in my head.

I thought to be happy I needed to know everything, so I acquired an education, had a good job, but there was something missing and I couldn’t put my finger on it.

I went into therapy and began to see that I felt like a bird in a cage. It felt like I was in a prison, no freedom to be who I was. The prison of my judgments of not good enough.

A long journey of healing from the outdated conditioned beliefs inherited from time immemorial has prepared me to guide women into their essence and help them uncover their purposeful life and create meaning out of their life experiences.

12 Responses to “Living Authentically with Full Awareness – Releasing toxic density”

  1. Kristi Elmani says:

    So interesting and nice to hear your thoughts on what you have been going through. Great to hear I’m not the only on who procrastinates… Sooo sorry to hear about your cat, I’m such a cat lover, I can completely understand what you must have felt.
    I hope you have a fabulous trip to Pakistan and a wonderful holiday.
    Hope to see you in the new year.

    Kristi

  2. Babs Ballinger says:

    Dear Aline,
    Yes, what you have been going through is pretty much what has been happening inside me. Thank you for expressing these deep changes that are occurring in many of us. We are being prepared for the Year of Initiation 2015. This quote comes from Matt Kahn who is an amazing teacher on You-tube. His latest video was so moving and clear, I am still basking in the energy of his message. Check it out.
    Aline, thank you for your presence on fb. It is good to see you there. I hope that we can meet, person to person some day.
    Love to you my sister as we share this Incredible Journey together.
    Babs

  3. selfawarenessinaction says:

    Dear Babs,
    Thank you so much for expressing your resonance to my message. It means a lot to me that you take the time to stop by. It would be nice to meet face to face some day and who knows where we’ll end up next year, so I put this intention in my mind and give it up to my higher guidance.
    Que sera, sera….
    much love,
    Aline

  4. Aline – I love your blog and your e- letter. I look forward to seeing you in a couple of days. We will talk more . The internal dialogue i have identified recently is the ancestral and religious programming of “Andrea are you doing well …look how you are doing… you could be doing much better…” and on and on. The ongoing comparing and judging. Its not new but whats new to me is how ruthless that voice is. If it was another human being speaking that way to me I would happily want to kill it. And each and every one of us have these introjected voices running the show, until we become awake to them. So thats why I am chilled out in this gorgeous hotel room at the unashamedly luxurious Leela Palace in Delhi enjoying the wintry weather of December and the lush Christmas flowers and decorations. Yesterday I wandered the fabulous Khan market and this afternoon its a new adventure to Hauz Khaz village. When we become aware of those big programs just seeing them dissolves their hold. And life becomes so much more spacious. Big love and appreciation to you, Aline xx

  5. Lola Messall says:

    Aline..it takes courage to be transparent. And I have found it is the only way I want to live as well. The intent of so many of us, like you, is to empower and support! First we start with ourselves, so we can positively impact those we encounter and/or seek us out. BRAVO You! BRAVO Me! In answer to your question-if others are feeling/sensing this challenge of what was ‘our story’ and Becoming our True Self, I respond YES. I have also had an interesting December with a few rides on the ‘merry-go-round’, as well as the inevitable “roller coaster” of emotions in this seemingly circus of my life, that I alone create. I am happy to say that, like you, I am filled with hope vs. despair. Thank you for sharing your blog. Thank you for continuing the journey to knowing yourself, I am here with you..applauding. Lola xoxo

  6. selfawarenessinaction says:

    Lola! Thank you for your comment. I love how you put, the challenge of “our story”, the old story and becoming our True Self, the essence that resides in each of us and guides our “upgrade” to the emerging story of conscious Co-Creators! So glad to have sisters and brothers on the path!

  7. selfawarenessinaction says:

    Andrea! Yes the old voices are ruthless, but what is so empowering is that now we can spot them, almost like in technicolor, they are no longer sneaky and insidious, it makes it easier to shift and release them!

  8. christine says:

    Aline, Bravo my friend for expressing this so eloquently. Yes, I too have felt the change happen about 10 days ago when I suddenly witnessed my sweetness return. When I mentioned this to my son, he looked at me with a knowing and said, “Yes, I realized a shift , a change come over you. It is a positive change, keep at it!”

    2014 has been a year of seeking, a year of going inward and rediscovering who I am and where I want to see myself going and growing into in the near and distant future. After an intense retreat in Thailand last December I discovered shadow work and my life has never been the same. I decided to find a therapist to try and understand my shadow and what all of this meant at a deeper level. I fractured my spine in early February and that purposefully had me laid up in bed in extreme pain for some time. That time in bed was an important part of my transformation. The end of March I met you while being supported by my very intense back brace and a few pieces of borrowed medicinal marijuana in chocolate form (who knew?) , after flying across the US to attend the workshops you mentioned. I look back now and marvel at how I had the strength and guts to do that.

    Since then many twists and turns, challenges and tears, and I am now on my path, feeling blessed with gratitude for all that life has laid on my doorstep. I am excited to begin 2015 and am ready to declare my intentions, set a plan, and then take action steps day by day…always remembering my own self care. I am here to serve others, to guide other women on their paths to a clearer and more focused feminine life. My Sweetness has returned giving way to filling others cups with this nectar.

    Sending much love your way and best wishes for your great success in 2015 Aline! Love you Sister, Christine

  9. selfawarenessinaction says:

    Dear Kristi,
    So nice to find you way here and leave a comment! Yes procrastination always shows up when clarity hasn’t yet fully emerged…it is part of the human experience! I don’t know anybody who has never experienced it! Looking forward to connect in the new year!
    Aline

  10. selfawarenessinaction says:

    Dear Christine, my sister on the path!
    We are definitely connected and interconnected, if I still had any doubts about this a year ago, they have all washed away now! When your purpose calls it is amazing to see what the body is capable of and you are a living example of that! I see the lesson has been learned, self care is first for you now, and so it shall be for me too! I have been on a cleansing fast that is now turning into a way of living, all without effort, no struggle, no longer battling with cravings. Feeling aligned body/mind/spirit/soul like never before. Nothing feels impossible anymore! This for sure is the co-creative nature of the emerging consciousness! Trusting we can find a common period to travel to California and meet in March of next year!…so we can make our plan for Peru happen!….

  11. Selina says:

    Hi Aline
    Thank you for sending this email, I needed to read this blog, I felt as though I was reading my own expression. All these years, you have been walking with me since our first encounter at the desert in my search for ‘enlightenment’ and understanding of life in this universe. This journey has dried up all my tears and fears, and for the first time in my life (a few months ago!), I too learn to love myself and just “being” myself, watching time and the world passes by and feeding what MY soul needs. Slowly but surely, IT’S setting me free, free of guilt and my struggle for understanding. I understand that in order to receive love, I need to love myself and soul as human being. SELF CARE is not selfish, it is for you, me and everyone who’d been looking and finds it! It’s about time we found it, at last!

  12. selfawarenessinaction says:

    Dear Selina,
    I am just noticing your reply today, apologizes, WordPress used to send me an email when a comment came in, but I must have missed it. Teaching me to check my comment section more often! I will write you via email. So glad you found your core Self, where freedom resides! Welcome home!