It’s been a month now that I have started an experiment with myself, actually since the last full moon on the Summer Solstice. The experiment consists in allowing what wants to emerge from within to drive the game I am playing and this for the next two months (July and August), while I am by myself in France, as in a retreat center, living a bit like a hermit and observing the inner states of consciousness in real time.
I made this choice after experiencing a disappointment following a recent survey I had sent out to a few select people and receiving no answers.
That was the tipping point.
What was it within me that kept on triggering these painful emotions and what could I do about it?
Painful emotions of feeling rejected, not good enough to get it right…
How could a simple survey have such a power to destabilize my wellbeing?
Which part of the conditioned ego still gave my power a way to outside forces, to judge me?
So I made the choice on the last full moon to release in full consciousness the old structures that constantly make me feel less than others, the judging/comparing structures.
And I took advantage of the extraordinary light coming through on the Planet during the window of the Solstice to dare to love myself for once as an experiment and to follow the impulse from within to drive the game, listening to the whispers of my soul.
My first impulse was to clean the kitchen walls and I listened. While washing the walls, I listened to recordings of past courses taken, mainly The Path of the Universal Shaman and started to hear things I had never taken the time to hear fully, always obsessed with getting this homework or that done, always next, next…. Never really stopping long enough to fully integrate the material….fast forward always.
And while I consciously chose to follow what was emerging, as mundane as washing the walls of the kitchen, I kept on feeling the pull of guilt, “You should be doing the video for EBA, or work on the curriculum of CTC course”, two courses I am currently enrolled in.
Or “You should be writing, since now is the perfect opportunity since alone in France”, or….the list of what generated that sinking feeling in my gut, guilt triggers in the body, is endless.
During the first week of consciously choosing to focus exclusively on what brought me an uplifting emotion, I must have felt the pull down of the guilt emotion at least 20 or 30 times a day. Consciously.
Every time I dismissed it and pursuit what gave me a “yes” feeling in my gut and invariably I was again immersed in a push to follow an impulse that brought joy and bliss to my attention, first brought about by the sparkling kitchen that now greeted me daily whenever I am fixing my meals.
Or following the push to go out and just go for a walk in the park, connecting with nature, other people and having impromptu conversations with strangers, not questioning the impulse but respecting the deeper knowing to be guiding me to just what I needed when I needed it.
After about a week of experiencing this new game, the moments of “feeling guilty” remarkably diminished, perhaps only a few daily.
And a new feeling of loving myself just as I am started to fill my experience, accepting the “less than perfect” actions that triggered my awareness. All is well!
I can be myself and it might never look like anything I had granted power over my bliss.
And this is only the first month since I consciously started the experiment.
The idea emerged to share this on my blog and to invite who will read this to join in on the experiment, creating a movement for Self-love, Self-acceptance and Self-patience.
This might shift the consciousness on the planet faster than all the striving to conform to some conditioned societal norm.
On the next full moon during our next Women’s Wisdom Circle on July 19th, 2016 let’s create a field of empowerment to birth this movement.
Details can be found on the event page:
Leave a comment below if you want to be invited to join the conversation.