Feed on

It seems that part of my purpose in this lifetime is to experience directly the effects patriarchal conditioning still  have in my life and untangle myself systematically by processing the emotional toxicity lodged in the body.

I usually notice a polarity in need of attention within myself when a fear of some kind appears and I procrastinate with an intention, like writing this blog post that I wanted to get done earlier in the week, or the book I am writing, a project started a number of years ago and still not completed.

Since my life is full I have many excuses to distract myself and I have used them all. The latest is the re-integration of Canada last year after my husband retired. Getting used to having him around most of the time  gave me an easy excuse.

This year however I managed to reclaim private space for myself by ruthlessly stepping up my boundaries. This is when I really started to notice all the deep rooted limiting beliefs that I still harbour, like “who do you think you are?” or “not yet good enough” and the fear of judgment they trigger.

My head knows they are all part of the universal human paradigm coined by Tracy Goss in her book but my body still registers the impact of age old Patriarchal conditioning of women, programmed to be second class citizens.

In the last few months I have moved forward with my book writing project in earnest and with each step forward I uncovered a new layer of “unworthiness”, each time choosing to face it by feeling into it.

These deep conditioned structures mostly inherited from past generations, in some cases reinforced due to certain traumatic events in early childhood can only be dismantled by feeling them deeply in the body where they are lodged in cellular memory.

I have spent years in the head, analyzing, understanding, researching the origin of Patriarchal conditioning, staying in the “arrogance” polarity, the “know it all” without freeing myself of the fear of judgment. Each time I learned something new about the topic only reinforcing how little I still only know, which triggered the need to know it all, propelled by perfectionism, still not “good enough”… the endless churning of the pattern. This vicious cycle has an eternal life unless you learn to dismantle it in the body.

Facing the vibration of the feeling in the body dismantles it and with each facing of it, I move a step closer to freedom.

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